The UK press: Still awful.

So certain dark corners of the UK press published some articles about British people who had sex on holiday. Can you believe it? Yeah, me too.

You can almost imagine the kind of conversations that took place in the office of the rags that ran with the non-story:

Hack: Hey, Jimmy! Guess what?

Jimmy the intern: What’s that, sir?

Hack: British people go on holiday and sometimes have sex while they’re out there!

Jimmy the intern: Yes sir. Happens quite a lot I’d imagine. You seem surprised, sir.

Hack: Well, jealous mostly, son, but you’re missing the point!

Jimmy the intern: The point, sir?

Hack: This is a perfect opportunity for some good old fashioned slut shaming!

Jimmy the intern: Um, sir?

Hack: Well, take this one girl who apparently sucked off 20 or more men, all for one cocktail! Don’t you think it’s worth using up our front page in an attempt to ruin the rest of her life?

Jimmy the intern: It seems to me sir, that if she wants to do that, she has every right to. Could be, sir, that she did it for the experience, rather than the cocktail. The distressing thought also occurs that she considered agreeing to have 20 or more penises in her mouth at that time was preferable to being beaten and raped by 20 or more frustrated dude-bros later on, sir. An executive decision, if you will sir.

Hack: Jimmy lad, no bugger’s going to read a story about that shite. She should have gone with the rape option, at least then we might have had some sympathy for her. Although we’d probably still have made it her fault; shouldn’t be out drinking, wearing the wrong thing, that sort of thing.

Jimmy the intern: But sir! A man has a choice – to rape or not to rape! Regardless of what the woman wears or how she acts!

Hack: Quiet Jimmy! You can’t talk like that here. Before long, you’ll have people thinking we should teach boys not to rape rather than teaching girls how not to be raped. For shame Jimmy; who’s side are you on, anyway?

Jimmy the intern: Side, sir?

Hack: And then there was that other girl, the one who had a threesome on stage in a club! Allegedly. We even have a picture of her face! Her whole life is ruined, just for indulging in a sexual experience that isn’t really all that rare! Today is a great day to be an arsehole journalist, Jimmy!

Jimmy the intern: Hmm. Sir, clubs like that have been using live sex shows as a holiday season climax for quite some years. It really isn’t anything new. I feel like I have to ask sir. Why no judgement of the men involved in this? No photos of their faces? No childish attempt to ruin their lives?

Hack: Son, I’m beginning to wonder if your heart’s really in hack journalism.

Jimmy the intern: I’m beginning to wonder if you have a heart at all, sir.

Hack: No, we’re not going to judge the men. That would suggest the possibility that a man can be faced with a vagina and do anything other than fuck it.

Jimmy the intern: Oh, bravo sir! You’ve now managed to insult both genders. Well done, sir, well done indeed!

Hack: Jimmy, I get the distinct feeling you’re mocking me.

Jimmy the intern: Not at all sir. I’m so filled with disgust and disdain for the putrid festering sore that is your outlook on life that mocking you would suggest I think you capable of change. No sir, I only wish for your death, for the sooner you and anyone who shares your views are dead, the better it will be for all of us. Good day sir. Don’t expect me back tomorrow.

Hack: Hmm. He’s probably gay. At least I know our editor will love this stuff.

Dear Tabloids, please die in a fire. Yours, me.

Addendum (30th July 2014):

It turns out that the tabloid front pages that I scanned in my local newsagents may not have told the whole story. Shocker. It may be that the whole thing started when the woman involved in the multi-fellatio incident may have been promised a free holiday. Undertaking her task she then discovered ‘holiday’ was the name of a cocktail. This means that some of the imagined conversation above may have been even wider of the mark than it was originally. What that has done is kind of illustrate the point about tabloids even more strongly – if they’d have gone with that angle, then it would have been information worth reporting – anyone involved in that sort of distasteful trickery needs to be taken to task – if that stunt isn’t illegal, it damn well should be. But good old Mr Red Top decides to lay into the woman. And only the woman. How can these shitrags call themselves newspapers when they lie so much? I think I might stop even scanning the front pages.